I tried R2, I really tried.

Early in life, I decided that I wanted to be either Ace Frehley of KISS, or the first professional skateboarder. Since there was already an Ace Frehley, all of my energies were devoted to honing my moves on a skateboard. This was pre-Dogtown and pre-freestyle, so those moves were going really fast and hopping onto things. Then a movie came out that changed everything. The movie? Star Wars. Suddenly the shortened broom stick was no longer a guitar; it was a light saber. I didn’t want to be a skateboarder or a rock star; I wanted to be a jedi. I must have seen that movie thirty times. That’s thirty times at the theatre. Remember, this is pre-DVD and even pre-VCR. Scary times.

Soon, everything was Star Wars. I had Star Wars shirts, sheet sets, pajamas, board games, action figures, lunch boxes, playing cards, puzzles and comics. I saved up money to buy the crappy light saber that you couldn’t really use to hit anything. If you did, your saber would get all bent and creased looking. Every kid in my neighborhood competed to assemble the collection of action figures. And we played with these action figures. Mint in box? Please, these things were abused like nobody’s business. If I still had my collection today, all thirty or so figures would be worth a total of 50 cents, that’s how abused they were.

And just when our enthusiasm for Star Wars began to wane, The Empire Strikes Back landed in theatres. It was even better than the original movie, and there was a new round of movie tie-in products for us to obsess over. Most exciting was the new action figures and a slightly improved light saber. We had new adventures and new games, fueled by the second installment. George Lucas had done it again.

I’m not sure what happened, but I barely remember Return of the Jedi. It was 1983 and there were more exciting things for a 14 year old kid to do, I guess.

When the new trilogy came out, I was skeptical, but decided to give it a shot. I went and watched George Lucas and his crew abuse my childhood memories of the Star Wars universe. The acting looked horribly stilted and the plot seemed forced. I left the theatre shell-shocked and embarrassed (I had brought Kate along to watch the movie, hoping to share the excitement). I decided on the way to the car, that I didn’t need to see the planned sequels (prequels, whatever) Lucas had promised. I wanted to keep one of the defining events of my childhood intact, thank you very much.

When Attack of the Clones came out, I skipped it. It was easy really, but, I keep hearing about the latest movie and how well it ties into the original Star Wars. It’s supposed to be darker, more like Empire Strikes Back, and less like Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones.

There’s a part of me that wants to see the new movie. I’m a little curious about how it leads into the original trilogy, but I’m also wary. Since I’ve purged Phantom Menace from my memory banks, and I skipped Attack of the Clones, I figure there’s a good chance that I’ll be lost if I go see Revenge of the Sith. I don’t even remember what a Sith is, to be honest with you.

So, this brings us to the present and my flip flopping on seeing the latest movie. Yesterday I noticed that Attack of the Clones was on FOX and decided to try it out risk free. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be out any money, just three hours of my time on a Sunday night. Well, I lost about 45 minutes of my Sunday night...

I couldn’t do it. It was just awful. As I watched it, I racked my brain trying to come up with examples of acting I’ve seen that’s worse than the scenes with Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen. I couldn’t think of anything as horrible as those scenes, and I couldn’t endure watching them. So, I just started treating a Portman/Christensen scene as a commercial. When they popped up on the screen, I flipped to check out the other channels or surfed the internet until they disappeared. Then there was a silly fight between Obi-Wan and some guy in a helmet and jet packs. I had to skip that too.

The rest of it was kind of interesting. I was surprised to see Jar Jar Binks back and there were a bunch of new and weird creatures to entertain. I think I’ve decided against going to see the third movie though. I just couldn’t make myself care about the character that would be Darth Vader. I mean his transformation is supposed to be the big thing in these movies, but I can’t reconcile my idea of Darth Vader with this gangly kid with a modified rat tail.

I haven’t followed the movie reviews, so I’m asking: Is the transformation from a pouting teen to the menacing Lord Vader convincing in the latest movie? Should I even bother if I’ve never been able to buy into Hayden Christensen as the big bad guy? I have to admit, I get a small thrill seeing R2 and C-3PO arguing in fresh scenes and the shot of the group of wookies from the trailer made me feel like I was nine years old all over again. But I’m still smarting from the whipping that was the Phantom Menace.